for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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