if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
