I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
