Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
