got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
