Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mouth tastes like poor choices
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
