Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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