Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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