made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
