I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
