He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
