onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
