my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
