This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
