I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
