Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
