im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
