I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
