He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
