I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
