i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
