Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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