Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My cat gives me a boner
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
