I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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