So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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