god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
