K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
