remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
