The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
not ubering you a puppy
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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