I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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