I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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