it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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