I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
