I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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