Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
