I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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