I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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