i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Drake has all the answers
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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