Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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