all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
