The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
