broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
