sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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