He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
