So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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