i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
