If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
