hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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