Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
