tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We talked him into tasing himself.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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